Defining Your Goals During a Divorce

Russell Family Law & Litigation • July 31, 2021

How to Set Your Goals Before and During a Divorce In North Carolina

Older man sitting on at his kitchen table
If you are thinking about divorce, it would be wise to consider everything you will need in the near future as well as what you'll want in the long term. Moreover, aside from defining your personal wants and needs, it's equally important to research North Carolina laws. This way you can inform yourself about the duties and rights you have when divorcing or separating from your spouse. If you don't have the correct information, you’ll have false or unrealistic expectations of the divorce and your spouse. 

In this article, you can learn all the basic information about your options, and how you can avoid certain problems with careful planning. Additionally, you should consult other sources and take the time to define what you need and want. Your goals and needs will help you create a clear picture of what you wish to get from this separation. This article, as well as professional advice, will help you understand how to achieve those goals. 

What You Need Now vs. in the Future

Your short-term needs will overlap with your future needs in many cases because they will address the one underlying concern. For instance, one of your desires and needs might be to keep your emotional stability now and in the future. 


Your emotional stability is as important to your children as it is to you. But the way you will try and maintain the short-term emotional balance will differ from how you will do the same thing in the future. 


Going through a divorce is extremely stressful. So, you might feel like you need the help of a therapist as soon as possible. For example, this can be your short-term goal. In the future, after the worst is over, you might find it helpful to create a new exercise or work routine. This will help you deal with the ongoing stress.


In any case, you will be planning for your future. Only some decisions will be in regard to the immediate future, and others the long-term future. 


The same applies to all the concerns you recognize as important. Using the right tools, you can develop clear ideas about how to address those concerns now and over the next couple of years. 


But you might feel like you need help identifying all your needs and setting short- and long-term objectives. If that is the case, feel free to consult books, websites, talk to friends and professionals. All those sources can give you new ideas and help you deal with the situation.


Try to Remain Calm and Open-Minded

During the initial phases of the divorce, you will probably have powerful negative feelings regarding your spouse. You might even want to punish them for everything you are going through. 


However, in those moments, try reminding yourself that such feelings can do more damage to you than your spouse. Moreover, they will most likely ruin any chance of settlement. So, you’ll end up in a court battle that’ll not only scar you emotionally but drain your finances as well. 


How You Can Achieve Your Goals

To deal with the issues that will inevitably arise following the separation or divorce, you and your spouse can choose between the three following methods: direct negotiation, attorney negotiation, or judicial proceedings. You can also combine these three methods during any step of the separation process. Basically, it will all depend on how well you and your spouse can cooperate and reach an agreement. Therefore, you will use a particular method or some combination of the three, based on the quality of your communication.



Let's review the three methods so you can have a clear picture of your options.

Direct Negotiations

The first basic method to resolve problems that come up during a divorce is direct negotiations. This option is the first on the list because it's the easiest. Also, it implies that you and your spouse are feeling comfortable enough to agree on things and talk directly. So, direct negotiations can take place with or without the background assistance of your lawyers or professional counselors. 


However, if you and your partner agree on direct negotiations, it would be wise to write down everything you decide in a formal contract. Together you can create your own draft of provisions for a "Separation Agreement and Property Settlement." If you are struggling to phrase your thoughts and decisions, you can always check law books in your local library. You can borrow provisions from sample agreements you’ll find there.


Potential Problems You Should Be Aware Of

Direct negotiations are a great option if your marriage was not very long and there are no complicated issues such as financial problems, difficult property, or a child involved. However, this method is not advisable if you are dealing with complex custody, support, and property disagreements. So, if your marriage was a long one, or if there are difficult issues, drafting your own contract isn’t wise. It will probably create even more problems in the future. 


In the case of a complicated divorce or separation, things tend to take a turn for the worse in the future. Some of the problems you might face are: 


  • The other party is not complying with the terms of the contract; maybe because they have a different understanding of what a specific provision meant or because they don't really know what some requirements mean
  • Disagreements over some problems that you never even thought about writing down in a contract; for example, whether your partner should talk on the phone with your child or who will cover the transportation expenses for visits.
  • Increased tension and conflicts over the ways the contract should be interpreted and implemented
  • The children might experience even worse distress if the parents are arguing over the settlement agreement


All in all, DIY drafting that wasn’t done properly might leave gaps that can make the situation difficult for everyone. Therefore, it can never replace a contract created by professionals. Only an experienced professional can take into account all the legal details and foresee potential issues and subtleties involved in such a complex family situation. 


Attorney Negotiation

The second way to deal with domestic relation issues is through the negotiations done primarily through divorce lawyers. Basically, you let the lawyers fight for your rights and wants. In the end, you and your partner get a written document with all the agreements regarding the support, custody, and property. This contract with the name of "Separation Agreement and Property Settlement" is binding in most cases. 


Usually, one party's lawyer proposes the contract, and the other party's lawyer drafts a number of revisions. In some cases, this agreement or some of its parts might appear in a court document called a "Consent Order." The Consent Order is then included in a court file, and you get to skip the long evidentiary hearing. 


Judicial Proceedings 

Judicial proceedings are the first option people think of when dealing with conflicts during a divorce. However, it is the method that we use the least. If you need to resort to judicial proceedings, it means that the applicable problems, such as support, custody, or property, will be litigated in a state court. 


In North Carolina, spouses don't have the right to a jury trial. But there's an exception when there's an alimony issue and one or both parties have committed a marital fault. After a trial is over, a judge makes a formal decision about how things will go on in the future between your spouse, you, and your children. Moreover, this ruling will come in the form of a court order. 


Final Thoughts

Our main goal is to help you resolve some of your matrimonial issues and prevent them from destroying your life and leaving you devastated. If you focus too much on relieving your anger and grief by getting back at your spouse, in the long term you will do much more damage to yourself and your finances. On the other hand, if you manage to remain calm and carefully plan your future, you will create the life you need and deserve. In short, you will plan the best possible divorce. 

Request A Consult

How are 529 Plans Handled in Divorce?

March 24, 2025
A 529 Plan, which owes its name to Section 529 of the Internal Revenue Code, is a tax-advantaged savings account that is designed to be used for the education expenses of the beneficiary. It is very common that parents create such an account to save for their child’s college education. So, what happens to such an account when the parents decide to divorce? 529 Plans , like other savings and investment accounts, are property. As such, in North Carolina, 529 Plans are dealt with during equitable distribution proceedings. During such a proceeding, the court will classify the parties’ property as one of three categories – marital, divisible, and separate – and then distribute the marital and divisible property among the parties. Thus, the treatment of the 529 Plan will depend upon how the plan is classified. N.C. Gen. Stat. 50-20 defines marital, separate, and divisible property as follows: Marital Property : “all real and personal property acquired by either spouse or both spouses during the course of the marriage and before the date of the separation of the parties, and presently owned, except property determined to be separate property or divisible property.” Separate Property : “all real and personal property acquired by a spouse before marriage or acquired by a spouse by devise, descent, or gift during the course of the marriage. However, property acquired by gift from the other spouse during the course of the marriage shall be considered separate property only if such an intention is stated in the conveyance. Property acquired in exchange for separate property shall remain separate property regardless of whether the title is in the name of the husband or wife or both and shall not be considered to be marital property unless a contrary intention is expressly stated in the conveyance. The increase in value of separate property and the income derived from separate property shall be considered separate property. All professional licenses and business licenses which would terminate on transfer shall be considered separate property.” Divisible Property : “all real and personal property as set forth below: All appreciation and diminution in value of marital property and divisible property of the parties occurring after the date of separation and prior to the date of distribution, except that appreciation or diminution in value which is the result of postseparation actions or activities of a spouse shall not be treated as divisible property. All property, property rights, or any portion thereof received after the date of separation but before the date of distribution that was acquired as a result of the efforts of either spouse during the marriage and before the date of separation, including, but not limited to, commissions, bonuses, and contractual rights. Passive income from marital property received after the date of separation, including, but not limited to, interest and dividends. Passive increases and passive decreases in marital debt and financing charges and interest related to marital debt.” Given these definitions, the classification and distribution of a 529 Plan will depend upon how and when it is created and funded. What is most important to note is that the court will not award the 529 Plan to the child, as the child is not a party to their parents’ divorce. Further, while the court may consider the purpose of the 529 Plan when making an “equitable” distribution of the parties’ property, the court will not totally disregard the value of the 529 Plan when distributing property among the parties simply because it is intended for the benefit of their child. However, the parties may take such considerations into account when negotiating a potential settlement between one another. If you are considering divorce or engaged in, or anticipate being engaged in, an equitable distribution proceeding, call our office today to schedule a consultation with an experienced family law attorney.

Do North Carolina Courts Consider Marital Misconduct?

February 26, 2025
North Carolina is considered to be a “no-fault” divorce state, meaning that a couple need not show cause or some wrongdoing in order to obtain a divorce. However, marital misconduct does play a role with regard to the issue of alimony in North Carolina. In determining the amount, duration, and manner of payment of alimony, the Court must consider a variety of factors as laid out in N.C. Gen. Stat. § 50-16.3A(b). This statute lists 16 factors which the court will consider when determining the issue of alimony . One of the most often discussed and litigated of these factors is marital misconduct. N.C. Gen. Stat. § 50-16.1A defines marital misconduct as follows: ‘Marital misconduct’ means any of the following acts that occur during the marriage and prior to or on the date of separation: Illicit sexual behavior. For the purpose of this section, illicit sexual behavior means acts of sexual or deviate sexual intercourse, deviate sexual acts, or sexual acts defined in G.S. 14-27.20(4), voluntarily engaged in by a spouse with someone other than the other spouse; Involuntary separation of the spouses in consequence of a criminal act committed prior to the proceeding in which alimony is sought; Abandonment of the other spouse; Malicious turning out-of-doors of the other spouse; Cruel or barbarous treatment endangering the life of the other spouse; Indignities rendering the condition of the other spouse intolerable and life burdensome; Reckless spending of the income of either party, or the destruction, waste, diversion, or concealment of assets; Excessive use of alcohol or drugs so as to render the condition of the other spouse intolerable and life burdensome; Willful failure to provide necessary subsistence according to one's means and condition so as to render the condition of the other spouse intolerable and life burdensome.

Navigating Holiday Stress During Divorce: Tips for Families

December 5, 2024
The holiday season is a time traditionally associated with joy, togetherness, and celebration. However, for families going through a divorce, it can also be a time of heightened stress and emotional challenges. Managing these stressors effectively can help everyone involved – especially children – navigate this season with as much peace and stability as possible. Here are some common holiday stressors families experience during a divorce and practical strategies to address them: 1. Financial Pressures Divorce often brings financial changes that can make the holidays feel especially strained. Gift-giving, travel, and hosting events can add up quickly. Solution: Set a Budget: Be realistic about what you can afford this year. Focus on creating meaningful experiences rather than overextending financially. Free/low-cost experiences could include going to a holiday parade, going for a walk downtown or a drive around town to view the holiday lights, or taking the kids to the local mall or a store to visit Santa (or even the Grinch at some locations, such as the Cotton Exchange). Communicate with Co-Parent: Discuss gift budgets and avoid competitive or extravagant gift-giving, as this can create tension or unrealistic expectations for the children. 2. Emotional Strain on Children Holidays can amplify a child’s sense of loss or confusion about their family dynamics, especially if traditions are changing. Solution: Prioritize Consistency: Whenever possible, maintain familiar traditions to provide a sense of stability. Introduce new traditions as a way to create positive memories in this new chapter. Open Communication: Reassure your children that it’s okay to express their feelings and let them know both parents are committed to making the holidays special for them. 3. Loneliness or Isolation For people going through a divorce, the first holiday following separation can feel especially lonely and isolating. It’s normal to grieve the loss of how things used to be. Solution: Lean on Support Systems: Spend time with friends, family, or community groups that provide comfort and connection. Focus on Self-Care: Use this time to rest, reflect, and engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. 4. Co-Parenting Tensions The holidays can sometimes exacerbate underlying tensions between co-parents, particularly if communication is strained or agreements are unclear. Solution: Keep Communication Businesslike: Focus on logistics rather than rehashing old conflicts. Tools like co-parenting apps, such as Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents, can help keep interactions clear and professional. Put the Children First: Decisions should always prioritize what’s best for the children, even if it requires compromise. 5. Managing Extended Family Expectations Extended family members may have their own opinions or pressures about how holidays “should” look, which can complicate matters further and exacerbate holiday stress. Solution: Set Boundaries: Be clear with family members about your plans and priorities. Gently but firmly remind them that the focus is on creating a positive experience for your immediate family and avoiding negative talk about the other party or your current situation. Include Supportive Relatives: If possible, involve family members who can help diffuse stress and provide stability during this transitional time. If you are going through a divorce this holiday season and need legal representation, please contact our office to set a consultation with one of our family law attorneys.
Child Custody Picture with two parents and and child in the middle

What Should Parents Know about Child Custody in North Carolina?

October 3, 2024
Navigating child custody arrangements can be one of the most challenging aspects of a separation or divorce. In North Carolina, the legal framework for child custody is designed to prioritize the best interests of the child, but understanding the different types of custody arrangements can be complex. This guide aims to shed light on the types of child custody in North Carolina, helping parents make informed decisions.

Grandparent Visitation in North Carolina

August 28, 2024
By: Ashley Pollard

Co-parenting

July 19, 2024
Co-parenting is crucial to ensure that children continue to receive the love, support, and guidance they need from both parents despite the parents’ separation or divorce. By working together, parents can create a stable and nurturing environment that fosters the emotional and psychological well-being of their children. Effective co-parenting helps children adjust to change, reduces feelings of insecurity, and promotes healthy development. It also models positive conflict resolution and cooperation, providing a strong foundation for children’s future relationships. Ultimately, co-parenting prioritizes the best interests of the children, helping them thrive despite the family restructuring. Successful co-parenting after separation or divorce requires open communication, mutual respect, and a focus on the well-being of the parties’ children. To best ensure the success of a co-parenting relationship, it is crucial to keep discussions child-focused, and avoid negative talk about the other parent in front of the children. Flexibility and willingness to compromise are key, as well as seeking professional help if conflicts arise that cannot be resolved independently. Prioritizing the children’s emotional and physical needs will help ensure a positive co-parenting experience. Here is a list of ideas for potential resources that may help co-parents manage and support their children’s well-being while navigating the changing family structure:  Books for Children Age-appropriate books explaining separation and divorce Stories that help children understand and cope with their feelings Therapists and Counselors Child psychologists for children’s emotional and mental health Family therapists specializing in co-parenting dynamics Support Groups for Children Peer support groups for children of divorced parents In-person and online groups providing a safe space for children to share their experiences School counselors and social workers providing support and guidance Mobile Apps Apps designed to help children understand and manage their emotions Co-parenting apps with features to ensure both parents stay informed about their child’s activities and needs Books and Guides for Parents Manuals on how to support children through the transition Guides focusing on effective communication with children post-separation Guides focusing on effective communication with your child’s other parent Podcasts and Videos Podcasts offering advice on supporting children’s mental health during divorce YouTube channels with content aimed at helping children cope with family changes
Legal document with pen and stamp

Do I Really Need a Separation Agreement?

By Russell Family Law & Litigation • April 7, 2023
Even if both spouses have each other’s best interests at heart, the separation process is rarely smooth. To avoid conflicts, sign a separation agreement.
Father, daughter, and son playing soccer on the beach

Do I Need a Lawyer for My Child Support Claim?

By Russell Family Law & Litigation • March 28, 2023
Although the parties can choose to settle the child support issue without consulting a lawyer, it’s usually advisable to seek an expert’s assistance to protect the child’s interests.
gray cat being petted on a bed by owner

Who Gets the Pet During a Divorce?

By Russell Family Law & LIttigation • February 23, 2023
Pet custody battles can get as heated as the ones for children, and even more so. That’s because the parties often have to come to an agreement on their own.
Woman handing a wedding right back to her ex husband over divorce papers

Getting a Divorce During a Recession

By Russell Family Law & Litigation • January 26, 2023
Divorce rates decline during economic hardships. But why does a recession affect divorce at all? And what does it mean for cases where separation is inevitable?
More Posts