Defining Your Goals During a Divorce

What You Need Now vs. in the Future

Your short-term needs will overlap with your future needs in many cases because they will address the one underlying concern. For instance, one of your desires and needs might be to keep your emotional stability now and in the future. 

Your emotional stability is as important to your children as it is to you. But the way you will try and maintain the short-term emotional balance will differ from how you will do the same thing in the future. 

Going through a divorce is extremely stressful. So, you might feel like you need the help of a therapist as soon as possible. For example, this can be your short-term goal. In the future, after the worst is over, you might find it helpful to create a new exercise or work routine. This will help you deal with the ongoing stress.

In any case, you will be planning for your future. Only some decisions will be in regard to the immediate future, and others the long-term future. 

The same applies to all the concerns you recognize as important. Using the right tools, you can develop clear ideas about how to address those concerns now and over the next couple of years. 

But you might feel like you need help identifying all your needs and setting short- and long-term objectives. If that is the case, feel free to consult books, websites, talk to friends and professionals. All those sources can give you new ideas and help you deal with the situation.

Try to Remain Calm and Open-Minded

During the initial phases of the divorce, you will probably have powerful negative feelings regarding your spouse. You might even want to punish them for everything you are going through. 

However, in those moments, try reminding yourself that such feelings can do more damage to you than your spouse. Moreover, they will most likely ruin any chance of settlement. So, you’ll end up in a court battle that’ll not only scar you emotionally but drain your finances as well. 

How You Can Achieve Your Goals

To deal with the issues that will inevitably arise following the separation or divorce, you and your spouse can choose between the three following methods: direct negotiation, attorney negotiation, or judicial proceedings. You can also combine these three methods during any step of the separation process. Basically, it will all depend on how well you and your spouse can cooperate and reach an agreement. Therefore, you will use a particular method or some combination of the three, based on the quality of your communication.



Let's review the three methods so you can have a clear picture of your options.

Direct Negotiations

The first basic method to resolve problems that come up during a divorce is direct negotiations. This option is the first on the list because it's the easiest. Also, it implies that you and your spouse are feeling comfortable enough to agree on things and talk directly. So, direct negotiations can take place with or without the background assistance of your lawyers or professional counselors. 

However, if you and your partner agree on direct negotiations, it would be wise to write down everything you decide in a formal contract. Together you can create your own draft of provisions for a "Separation Agreement and Property Settlement." If you are struggling to phrase your thoughts and decisions, you can always check law books in your local library. You can borrow provisions from sample agreements you’ll find there.

Potential Problems You Should Be Aware Of

Direct negotiations are a great option if your marriage was not very long and there are no complicated issues such as financial problems, difficult property, or a child involved. However, this method is not advisable if you are dealing with complex custody, support, and property disagreements. So, if your marriage was a long one, or if there are difficult issues, drafting your own contract isn’t wise. It will probably create even more problems in the future. 

In the case of a complicated divorce or separation, things tend to take a turn for the worse in the future. Some of the problems you might face are: 

• The other party is not complying with the terms of the contract; maybe because they have a different understanding of what a specific provision meant or because they don't really know what some requirements mean
  
• Disagreements over some problems that you never even thought about writing down in a contract; for example, whether your partner should talk on the phone with your child or who will cover the transportation expenses for visits.
• Increased tension and conflicts over the ways the contract should be interpreted and implemented
  
• The children might experience even worse distress if the parents are arguing over the settlement agreement

All in all, DIY drafting that wasn’t done properly might leave gaps that can make the situation difficult for everyone. Therefore, it can never replace a contract created by professionals. Only an experienced professional can take into account all the legal details and foresee potential issues and subtleties involved in such a complex family situation. 

Attorney Negotiation

The second way to deal with domestic relation issues is through the negotiations done primarily through divorce lawyers. Basically, you let the lawyers fight for your rights and wants. In the end, you and your partner get a written document with all the agreements regarding the support, custody, and property. This contract with the name of "Separation Agreement and Property Settlement" is binding in most cases. 

Usually, one party's lawyer proposes the contract, and the other party's lawyer drafts a number of revisions. In some cases, this agreement or some of its parts might appear in a court document called a "Consent Order." The Consent Order is then included in a court file, and you get to skip the long evidentiary hearing. 

Judicial Proceedings 

Judicial proceedings are the first option people think of when dealing with conflicts during a divorce. However, it is the method that we use the least. If you need to resort to judicial proceedings, it means that the applicable problems, such as support, custody, or property, will be litigated in a state court. 

In North Carolina, spouses don't have the right to a jury trial. But there's an exception when there's an alimony issue and one or both parties have committed a marital fault. After a trial is over, a judge makes a formal decision about how things will go on in the future between your spouse, you, and your children. Moreover, this ruling will come in the form of a court order. 

Final Thoughts

Our main goal is to help you resolve some of your matrimonial issues and prevent them from destroying your life and leaving you devastated. If you focus too much on relieving your anger and grief by getting back at your spouse, in the long term you will do much more damage to yourself and your finances. On the other hand, if you manage to remain calm and carefully plan your future, you will create the life you need and deserve. In short, you will plan the best possible divorce.