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Separation Agreement Anxiety
Russell Family Law & Litigation • Jun 11, 2020
What is a Separation Agreement and How to Cope
First, we should talk about the difference between a separation agreement
and an actual divorce. North Carolina differs from other states when it comes to divorce laws. One key thing is that in NC, divorce is typically a two-step process.
First Step: Separation
Separation officially starts on the day you and your spouse start living separately from one another. You generally don’t need any paperwork to initiate that. However, we advise that you shouldn’t skip filing official documents.
A separation agreement is important, as it provides specifics on essential issues that will come up during the actual divorce. Those include child custody, alimony payments, property ownership, and more. This document can offer you some protection from problems down the road or unexpected changes in your living situation. While couples can prepare the separation agreement themselves, the professional help of an attorney
is sometimes required.
Second Step: Divorce
However, the separation agreement does not include one key issue — the actual dissolution of the marriage. The absolute divorce
is the second step and has the potential to be a relatively simple legal process.
The actual divorce doesn’t involve matters of custody, money, or belongings. It is nothing more than a change in your marital status. Despite that, it always requires a moderate amount of paperwork, since it is an official legal proceeding. In North Carolina, married couples can get a divorce only after one year and one day of separation.
Possible Issues with Separation Agreements
Some people get it wrong and think that the separation agreement
means they would pay alimony only until the dissolution takes effect. They are under the impression that the judge will be deciding if the payments have to continue. If they are not careful, they might end up paying alimony until the end of their life.
As you can see, working out the details and negotiating before an inevitable divorce can be a pretty unpleasant task. If things go out of control, it can result in pain for children, family, and friends.
Imagine the following scenario, if you would. Your spouse is keeping your children and refusing to give them back to you. In the end, you decide to involve the police. In order to prove to the officers that you have custody over the kids, you need to present your separation agreement. If it doesn’t clearly state that you have custody, the police might refuse to help you.
The truth is that most couples cannot go through the whole painful process by themselves. This is why professional help
from counselors and lawyers is often essential. Their expert guidance will help the couple divorce in a smoother, more civilized way. It is quite difficult for a couple to concentrate and get the job done when emotions often take over.
Do Not Let Emotions Take Over
Even though it might seem impossible, the most important thing you should do is to control your emotions. Start thinking rationally and determine what you want and need from the entire process. What are the wants and needs of your spouse? What is your current financial situation and what will it be after the divorce is settled?
To make a long story short — do your homework. You cannot negotiate the best possible outcome for you if you have not considered every aspect of the divorce with a clear mind. Even if you have the help of a lawyer, you need to gather all needed information and determine your goals.
Unfortunately, oftentimes people end up not being able to provide their children with everything they need. If the separation agreement they signed doesn’t mention anything about an increase in alimony, they have no legal footing on which to request one.
How to Negotiate During a Divorce
If you decide to negotiate with your spouse without the assistance of an attorney, here are some important points you should take into account.
Negotiate on the Right Location
Pick a neutral location for meeting your spouse. You need to be able to stop the negotiations if things start heating up. You have nothing to gain from a fight and it will only make the next attempt at negotiating even less productive.
Start with the Easy Stuff
To ensure the best possible start of the negotiations, talk about matters that you both agree on. Who will keep the luxury dining set? What about that painting that your spouse never liked? A good initial conversation will set things up for a more rational discussion regarding the more complicated matters.
Avoid Escalation
When it comes to those more complicated matters, it is important to maintain your composure and ensure that your spouse would do the same. Both of you need to listen to what the other has to say without arguing. When it comes to money, be careful. Do not settle on a sum that you would be willing to pay or accept that early in the process. It might cause you problems in the long run.
Think in Numbers
If you have property that you need to divide, think about what you will be getting and determine its worth. In a 50/50 division, the lower the dollar value of your items, the more of them you will end up getting.
Get It Done All at Once
Make sure you cover all important points all at once. Custody, alimony, property matters — leave nothing off the table. While it might make sense to you to separate those essential topics into different negotiating sessions, discussing them one after the other will prove much more effective. You might even find yourselves coming up with some pretty creative solutions.
Do Not Create Even More Problems
Make sure both you and your spouse are as objective as possible. Use that objectivity to reach solutions and not create even more discord and issues. If things start to escalate, consider shifting the conversation to the possibility of going to court. Odds are that both of you will want to clear things up without prolonged legal fights.
Gather Information that May Be Advantageous in Court
Consider any information that might gain you favor in court. Are there any negative behaviors your spouse has? Are are aware of any secrets that they would like to remain undisclosed? Are they attached to a particular piece of property? Such information can be helpful in achieving the best possible outcome for you. Also be aware of any information your spouse may have that can be disadvantageous to you. Inform your attorney so they can represent your case favorably.
Involve an Attorney
Never forget that a separation agreement, once signed, is a legally binding document. We strongly advise you to have an attorney
review it before putting your signature on it.
Seek the Aid of a Professional
If you cannot get everything you want out of the separation agreement on your own, do not despair and do not go to extremes. You can trust your instincts to tell you what you want — however, you can never be certain what the result of your decisions will be.
We advise you to seek the help of a divorce attorney
or a licensed counselor. They will get you closer to achieving what you want from the separation agreement, and also help you avoid any pitfalls along the way. If the professional cannot resolve your problems, there is always the nuclear option — going to the court.
In North Carolina, the vast majority of divorces end up being settled privately. Going this way will ensure your future doesn’t depend on the whims of a judge. Also, the added pressure of a protracted legal fight can be quite stressful for some.
You might be really anxious about getting a separation agreement, and preparing for the worst possible outcome. However, if you seek the help of an attorney, they will make sure you are prepared for the negotiations. You will be able to enter the discussion with confidence and reach a settlement, fair for both sides. Hopefully, you will also manage to get out of the whole thing without excessive stress and anxiety.
Even if both spouses have each other’s best interests at heart, the separation process is rarely smooth. To avoid conflicts, sign a separation agreement.
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https://www.ncleg.net/enactedlegislation/statutes/html/bysection/chapter_50/gs_50-20.html
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