How to Survive the Holidays in an Unhappy Marriage

Unfortunately, while you would love for your marriage to be over so you can move on with your life, no one wants to be the person who asks for a divorce for Christmas. 

You love your kids too much to ruin Christmas for them.  Even if you don't yet have children, Christmas may not be the best time to proceed with plans to get a divorce. You don’t want to make things even more awkward and uncomfortable for the extended family either. While your spouse has long-since gotten on your very last nerve, you know the mature thing to do would be to tough it out through the holidays. 

Knowing how navigate the holiday season with a tough marriage is going to prove to be a challenge. 

If you aren’t good at keeping your feelings close to your chest, then it won’t be easy at all for you to get through the holidays without bringing up a divorce – the one thing that you want more than anything else. It’s still possible though. You can definitely do this. Even if you aren’t much of an actor, you can still get through the holidays without exploding. 

The harder you try to make the holiday season as “perfect” as possible, the harder you’ll need to work to pretend to be happy. Doing this is going to make you feel even worse about yourself. You shouldn’t go into the holidays expecting to have the best Christmas ever. Try to have a Christmas that is simply “happy enough”. If things are too bad, then just focus on getting through the holidays and leaving them in the past. It’s not a very comforting or happy thought, but sometimes surviving is more than enough. 

The more you focus on something the bigger it becomes in your head. If you focus on how much you want to get out of your marriage and how much you hate your spouse, it’s impossible to feel anything but misery. Rather than focus on the negative dynamics of your marriage, intentionally focus instead on your blessings. Don’t forget that no matter what happens now, next year is sure to be better. 

Having a divorce means diving headfirst into the unknown. There’s no guarantees over how anything will go. It doesn’t matter how much you believe you are doing what’s right, it’s only natural to be worried and scared about a divorce. The sooner that you accept this and face your fears, the better off you’ll be. If you haven’t already started talking to a therapist then now would be the time to look for one. 

You might be tempted to just drown your sorrows in the biggest mug of spiced rum that you can find, but that only invites disaster. Drinking too much alcohol is only going to make you feel more depressed than before. It also takes away your inhibitions, making you more likely to demand that you want a divorce; likely at the worst time in the worst way. 

Doing what you can to keep the kids happy will pay huge dividends. Your kids are going to have a better time. You’ll be happier to see them so happy. Also, focusing on the kids and their happiness will take your mind off of the unhappiness of your own situation. 

It takes a lot of effort to smile and pretend nothing is wrong when everything is going wrong. It doesn’t matter how busy the holidays are for you, you need to take some time each day to do something that is going to make you happy. Even if you only manage to get to bed a little earlier, that’s more than enough. You aren’t a robot after all. You’re going to have to recharge your batteries somehow, some way, every single day. 

Rather than focus on the feeling of being trapped in a marriage you don’t want, you can start to prepare yourself for the inevitable divorce before it happens. Take some time to learn more about the divorce process. Put together a budget. Start researching potential parenting schedules and scenarios. Do small and simple things to push the divorce forward in your head. Even taking tiny steps like this takes away some of the anxiety over the situation. 

The last thing you need there to be over the holidays is more drama. That’s why you should refuse to argue with your spouse this Christmas. You really can do it if you want to. Try to find ways to stay calm or just walk away from your partner if they start pushing your buttons. It may take some self-control, but everyone will have a happier and more enjoyable holiday if you do it. It’ll also confuse your spouse, which is an added plus. 

Now is the time to start imagining the life that you want to have. Visualize how happy you want to be – and are going to be. See yourself living where you want to be with whomever you want to be with. Picture your kids as being satisfied and well-adjusted and dealing with their new life well. These dreams will help to distract you from the current situation while also making it easier to focus on what you want from life. It’ll make it easier to look away from the things that you don’t want and don’t like. 

This may be the last time that you, your spouse, and your kids spend the holiday together as a family. You should treasure this while you can. It sounds weird to say that, but try to see things differently. Try to focus on your kid’s joy and making them happy. It might be their last Christmas together as a whole family and you don’t want to get bogged down thinking that it’s your fault that’s the case. 

You should try to find those small bits of joy. Don’t dread spending Christmas with the extended family. Instead, try to make it all as great as it can be. It’s great if you can succeed. You’ll have given your kids – and yourself – a wonderful present. Even if it doesn’t work out so well, you can just use it as a reminder of how much better things are next year. 

Being vengeful towards your spouse will almost certainly backfire. If divorce is inevitable, being as civil as possible will help pave the road for an easier post-divorce life. 

It takes a great deal of courage and strength to get through the holidays in a broken marriage. You should give yourself the credit you deserve for meeting the challenge for the sake of your children. 

Remember why you’re doing it too. It’s for your kids, your family, and for yourself. You want to give them a happy and peaceful Christmas they enjoy and that means it will be better for you.  At the end of the day, whether they know it or not, that would be the greatest gift you could possibly give them.